dear awkward adolescent child me

i know you feel.  clumsy.  nervous.  edgy.

awkward.

you are. confused. humiliated.  outraged.

i wish.  i could.  help you know.  the end to
his abuse.  is coming.

one day.  you will.  walk away.

your body will bear.  the pain.  of your reality.
and the reality.  of your pain.

the onslaught.  of intense emotions.  that ravage.
your soul.  will lessen.

you will learn.  to manage.  the aftermath.
of his.  violence.

jesus.  understands your pain.  he suffered.  and
despised.  the shame.

he bore.  the hatred of.  a sin filled world.
lies and insults.  were hurled at him.  he was
beaten.  and tortured.  in unthinkable ways.

you remember.  him.

you trust.  him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear adult survivor me

this day.  changed me.  i'm sure of it.

the smallest movement.  hurts.  even my skin.  is sick.
my mind.  a disaster.

how will i hide?  these bruises.  these scars.  this rage.
this sadness.  this humiliation.

how can i pretend?  this day.  didn't happen.

how can i forget?  so you won't remember.

today.  the pain.  and the shame.  are too much.

you will always carry.  the destruction.  of this day.
in your body.  soul.  and spirit.

and yet.  i do want to.

survive.

with a drop.  of faith.  i pray.  to jesus.

he knows.  the horror.  of this day.  he was there.  he
is here.  i am not alone.

again. i ponder.  his life here.  his crucifixion.  his
words.  his power.

his promises.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear tiny terrified child me

you are.  fragile.  isolated.  confused. terrified.

tiny.

you are.  strong.  resourceful.  smart.  brave.  tough.

he.  shames.  mangles.  strangles.  ridicules.  de-humanizes.

your tiny body.

keep breathing through.  the terror.  tiny.  child me.

your perpetual.  chronic.  retreats.  to jesus.
are your.  greatest decisions.

you believe.  he will not allow.  your reality.  to be wasted.
you are certain.  he will.  one day.  make all things.

new.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear damaged adult me

i'm stuck in hell here.  his brutality.  is maniacal.

nowhere to.  run.  hide.  elude.  evade.

should you survive.  i don't know yet.  the damage.
you will bear.

in your soul.  your body.  your spirit.

i'm terrified.  angry.  hurting.  always.  i am nothing
special.  i take it.  take it.  take it.  take.  it.

i tell myself.  one day.  this will.  be over.
but.  then.  what?

i.  am.  damaged.

ugly.  tired.  helpless.  angry.  ashamed.  afraid.

i dream of.  freedom.  kindness.  gentleness.  love.  peace.
mercy.  joy.  courage.

jesus.

he comforts me.  strengthens me.  reminds me.  he is.
all knowing.  ever present.  all powerful.  i will
cling.  to him.  hope you do too.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear rebel child me

anger and rebellion.  your response to.  his darkness.

his abuse.  is your world.  for now.

your rage.  is the most powerful tool.  you have.
it is the force.  behind the.

rebel.  in you.

rage.  protects you.  helps you survive.  gives you
an outlet.  for the tsunami of.  ugly thoughts.  dark
emotions.  extreme behavior.

rage.  is also the most destructive tool.  you have.  it is a
risky.  deceptive.  treacherous.  road.  for.  your sin.

your rage.  has a life of it's own.  a life jesus.
understands.  takes.  bears.  washes.  redirects.

your persistent.  determined.  stubborn.  tenacious.

faith.  in jesus.  eventually.  eradicates.  your rage.

he does not.  condemn you.  reject you.  hate you.

he does.  forgive you.  accept you.  love you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.