dear sabotaged older me

my body.  mangled.
my heart.  vandalized.
my emotions.  tainted.

my life.  sabotaged.

lies.  darkness.  rage.
evil.

surround me.
engulf me.
suffocate me.

the abuser is.  powerful.
manipulative.
calculating.

i am.  determined.
stubborn.
obstinate.

i cling to the hope.
that jesus is.  who he says he is.

my creator.  savior.  redeemer.

he promises.  comfort.  peace.
truth.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear tempted teenager me

tenuous. tired. twisted.

tempted.

you fight. you lose.
you give in. you lose.
you run. nowhere.
you freeze. in shame.

he teases you. taunts you. tortures you.
terrifies you.

you learn to.
stifle the tears. numb the pain.
shun the fears. hide the stain.

you hope. you pray. you believe.

you endure.

persevere.

persist.

plod. struggle. crawl.

you remember. your maker.
your cross bearer. your pain taker.
your savior.

he sustains you. holds you. carries you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear weary older me

i am weak.  wounded.  weary.

small.

fearful.  fragile.  furious.

nothing.  i try.  stops him.
everything.  i try.  provokes him.

rage and terror.  boil.  in my stomach.
disgust and repulsion.  torture.  my mind.
confusion and rebellion.  derail.  my heart.

shame and sadness.  shadow.  my life.

i feel powerless.  senseless.  useless.

with little faith.  i turn to jesus.
i fight. in my mind.  to give him.  my thoughts.
i ache. in my heart.  to trust him.  completely.

his life.  his death.  his word.
show me.  he asks nothing of me.  he doesn't do himself.

he knows pain.  grief.  loss.  abandonment.  torment.

yet.

he forgives sinners.  rescues captives.  frees prisoners.
saves lives.  heals hearts.  breaks chains.  loves people.

we are made.  in his image.  to imitate him.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear cringing child me

you tremble.  shudder.  squirm.  cringe.

he laughs.  mocks.  humiliates.  terrorizes.

you feel desperate.  manic.  helpless.

he is devious.  treacherous.  savage.

the abuse.  is hidden.  in plain sight.

they look.  but don't see.
they hear.  but don't listen.
they know.  but are unaware.

he is a master of.
manipulation.  deception.  pretense.

you have one assurance.  one confidence.
one hope.

jesus.

he confronted.  manipulative.  conniving.
unscrupulous.  people.

he looks.  sees.  hears.  listens.  knows.
he is fully.  aware.  of your.  reality.

he does not.  leave you.  alone.

he restores.  your calm.
strengthens.  your faith.
secures.  your future.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear alone older me

a storm.  is crashing down.  outside.

there is hail.  lightening.  thunder.
hurricane wind.

a different storm.  brews.  inside.

there is terror.  violence.  desolation.
abominable assaults.

alone.  afraid.

abandoned.  to his.  depravity.

ashamed.  of my.  weakness.

my spirit.  crushed.
my body.  mangled.
my mind.  disturbed.

i do not.  speak.  of the abuse.
the damage.  the debilitating fear.

except to jesus.

before him.  i am exposed.  uncovered.
raw.  not alone.

nothing.  is hidden.  from him.
i trust.  his redemption.  will come.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear turbulent child me

his fury is fierce.  his wrath.  unrestrained.
he is wild.  violent.  sadistic.

you feel livid.  enraged.  irate.

your thoughts.  agitated.
your body.  unstable.
your emotions.  turbulent.

you are small.  weak.  young.

he is monstrous.  massive.  merciless.

you know.  what fresh hell.  awaits you.
every day.

how can morning.  be good?
how can night.  be good?

you question.  you wonder.  you struggle.
you dare to hope.  dream.  believe.

jesus stays with you.  he reminds you.  he knows.
firsthand.  the cruelty.  of people.

he is not unaware.  of your nightmare.
he does.  deliver you.  free you.
vindicate you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear tenderhearted adult me

so loud.  crashing thoughts.  pounding images.
raging emotions.

noise.  clamor.  racket.

crawl.  creep.  tip-toe.
does not matter.
he sees.  hears.  intercepts.

alone.  midnight.  in the corner.
in the shadow.

quietness comes. pandemonium silenced.
jesus whispers.

he is my hope.  my strength.  my refuge.

people.  he created.  tormented him.
tortured him.  ridiculed him.  rejected him.

yet his compassion.  persisted.
his mercy.  magnified.
his grace.  relentless.

he is strong.  gentle.  tender.  kind.

his truth.  softens my heart.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.