dear pensive older me

i am hesitant.  careful.  hyper-vigilant.
pensive.

he is cruel.  barbaric.  ruthless.  devious.

i feel bare.  exposed. undefended.  condemned.
sad.  scared.  humiliated.

the will to fight.  within me.  is strong.
the will.  to carry on.  is not.
the will to pretend.  fake.  feign.  lie.
is a sham.  it is exhausting.

jesus is.  the way.  the truth.
and the life.  he is light. love. savior.

everything.  i long for.  hope for.  pray for.

he penetrates my fear.  my desperation.  my sorrow.
he keeps me.  from drowning.  in my shame.

he reaches.  down.  into my reality.
shines his light.  into my darkness.
speaks his truth.  into my facade.

i will.  lay before him.  what is in me.
the good.  the bad.  and the ugly.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shy little girl me

you are reserved.  quiet.  ashamed.

shy.

he holds you down.  you brace yourself.
he humiliates you.  you internalize the shame.
he tortures you.  you fight back the tears.

you dare not speak.  to avoid another round.

you dare to speak.  his force intensifies.

you fume.  on the inside.
you are calm.  on the outside.

you are a child.  he is an adult.
you can only.  survive.  for now.

you shy away.  from trusting.
you juggle.  hope and fear.
you balance.  pain and sorrow.

jesus faced opposition.  endured the cross.  suffered betrayal.

he gets you.  knows you.  forgives you.  loves you.
he made you.  to endure.  persevere.  overcome.

because of jesus-

you survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear merciful adult me

i feel as though i am in a vivid nightmare.
nothing makes sense.

i see other kids.
they seem happy.  safe.  different.

different from me.

what must it be like?  to not be terrorized.
abused.  degraded.  abandoned.

other kids play.  laugh.  smile.
they like going home.

or so it seems.

i curled up last night.  into a ball.  on the floor.
in a corner of my bedroom.  after he gave me.
another lesson.  in abuse.

i must have stayed.  in that corner.  in the dark.
for hours.

pleading with jesus.  for mercy.

he reminded me.  again.  that vengeance belongs.  to him.
and that he will never.  leave me.

i ponder his life here.  what he encountered.  endured.
survived.  overcame.

i want to.  be merciful.  as he is merciful.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear angry child me

i remember.  the hot rage.  the dry tears.
the simmering anger.

you feel helpless.  exposed.  furious.

he satisfies.  his lust.  by degrading.  you.

you are fragile.  yet sturdy.
tender.  yet resilient.
weak.  yet strong.
raw.  yet merciful.

the pain.  the lies.  the torment.
take their toll.  on your soul.  and your body.

you turn.  your anger.  inward.

to let it flow.  outward.  seems wrong.  dangerous.
sinful.

jesus understands your anger.  your confusion.
your vulnerability.

he purifies your emotions.  strengthens your heart.
forgives your sin.  grows your faith.

he cleanses you from.  all unrighteousness.
he transforms.  your spirit.
renews.  your mind.
fortifies.  your spirit.
sustains.  your body.

because of jesus-

your survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear undomesticated older me

i'm so scared.  wretched.  forsaken.  forlorn.

danger looms.  in every room.

he ties everything.  into abuse.
chores.  school.  hygiene.

cooking.

the kitchen.  i hate.  the kitchen.

his cruelty.  knocks me down.  shuts me up.
tears me apart.

how can home.  ever be.  a safe place?

today i feel.  hollow.  like an empty shell.
uncivilized.  undomesticated.  displaced.

i am certain.  jesus knows.  intimately.  my
tormented soul.  he was treated.  savagely.  by the very ones.
he gives life.  and breath to.

he must know.  the depth of my pain.  my fear.  my despair.
because of him.  your home.  will be different.

because of jesus.  i can endure.  persevere.  survive.

nothing is hidden.  from him.  nothing.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear crushed child me

wounds heal.  damage mends.  emotions settle.
thoughts improve.  life moves along.

his violence.  leaves you.  silenced.  ashamed.
confused.  tormented.  outraged.  sore.

crushed.

you live with.  the burning.  the stench.
the pain.  the vomiting.  the reeling.
the rage.  the panic.

you fight.  the images.  the terror.
the sadness.  the nausea.

you pray.  habitually.

your honesty.  with jesus.
is miraculous.

you believe.  he is.  the god.  who sees you.
hears you.  knows you.  fights for you.

he enters your sorrow.  your agony.
your loneliness.  your horror.

he takes on.  the pain.  of your.  reality.

because of jesus-

your survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear broken older me

my heart.  is broken.  my spirit crushed.

my body.  feels wretched.

my soul.  in pieces.

i dread.  being home.  alone.  with him.

i fight.  the fear within.  i berate.  myself.
in my thoughts.  i feel.  foolish.  stupid.
not human.

a broken.  object.

i hold on.  to hope.  that jesus will.  sustain me.
rescue me.  free me.  heal me.

for now i hide.  my pain.  trusting in.  his mercy.

i remember a story.  he met a lady.  at a well.
he told her.  he was living water.  he spoke words.
of life to her.  he loved her.  she knew it.

he knew.  everything.  about her.  his very presence.
changed her life.  that day.

jesus binds up.  the brokenhearted.  because he sees.
he hears.  he feels.  he enters.  our suffering.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.