dear pensive older me

i am hesitant.  careful.  hyper-vigilant.
pensive.

he is cruel.  barbaric.  ruthless.  devious.

i feel bare.  exposed. undefended.  condemned.
sad.  scared.  humiliated.

the will to fight.  within me.  is strong.
the will.  to carry on.  is not.
the will to pretend.  fake.  feign.  lie.
is a sham.  it is exhausting.

jesus is.  the way.  the truth.
and the life.  he is light. love. savior.

everything.  i long for.  hope for.  pray for.

he penetrates my fear.  my desperation.  my sorrow.
he keeps me.  from drowning.  in my shame.

he reaches.  down.  into my reality.
shines his light.  into my darkness.
speaks his truth.  into my facade.

i will.  lay before him.  what is in me.
the good.  the bad.  and the ugly.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shy little girl me

you are reserved.  quiet.  ashamed.

shy.

he holds you down.  you brace yourself.
he humiliates you.  you internalize the shame.
he tortures you.  you fight back the tears.

you dare not speak.  to avoid another round.

you dare to speak.  his force intensifies.

you fume.  on the inside.
you are calm.  on the outside.

you are a child.  he is an adult.
you can only.  survive.  for now.

you shy away.  from trusting.
you juggle.  hope and fear.
you balance.  pain and sorrow.

jesus faced opposition.  endured the cross.  suffered betrayal.

he gets you.  knows you.  forgives you.  loves you.
he made you.  to endure.  persevere.  overcome.

because of jesus-

you survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear merciful adult me

i feel as though i am in a vivid nightmare.
nothing makes sense.

i see other kids.
they seem happy.  safe.  different.

different from me.

what must it be like?  to not be terrorized.
abused.  degraded.  abandoned.

other kids play.  laugh.  smile.
they like going home.

or so it seems.

i curled up last night.  into a ball.  on the floor.
in a corner of my bedroom.  after he gave me.
another lesson.  in abuse.

i must have stayed.  in that corner.  in the dark.
for hours.

pleading with jesus.  for mercy.

he reminded me.  again.  that vengeance belongs.  to him.
and that he will never.  leave me.

i ponder his life here.  what he encountered.  endured.
survived.  overcame.

i want to.  be merciful.  as he is merciful.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.