dear little lost girl me

you are sad.  alone.  lost.
you cower.  when he enters.  the room.
the danger around you.  is terrifying.

your mind is infected.  with fear.
your dry tears.  are filled.  with rage.
your silent screams.  hide.  in your gut.

you fight.  you resist.  you repress.

you pray.

jesus hears you.  stays with you.
fights for you.

he rescues you.  from the abuse.
delivers you.  from the darkness.
restores you.  with a new heart.
redeems you.  to live for him.

he heals.  your mind.
casts out.  your fear.
releases.  your tears.
removes.  your rage.
gives a voice.  to your screams.

you are loved.  refined.  found.
because of jesus.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear peaceful older me

i feel unsettled.  uneasy.  undone.

peace seems unattainable.  unreal.  undeserved.
unreachable.

chaos.  all around me.
people in pain.  afraid.  ashamed.
living in terror.  violence.  brokenness.

i am one of them.

he shows no mercy.
ridicule.  torment.  torture.
darkness. loneliness.
follow.  his assaults.

i search.  for peace.  in my mind.
jesus talks about peace.
i focus.  on his words.

he said.  peace.  i leave you.
my peace.  i give you.

though there was.  pain.  in him.
pain.  all around him.
his very presence.  brought peace.
to the most troubled souls.

because of jesus.  you will.  know peace.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shocked twenty something year old me

you hit the ground.  running.  you try not to look back.
he taught you well.  you learned a lot.

his abuse taught you.  to be vigilant.  apprehensive.
ashamed.

his torment taught you.  to be defensive.  angry.
stubborn.

his power and control taught you.  to feel worthless.
useless.  unlovable.

these responses.  and tactics.  you've learned so well.
helped you.  survive.  you soon realize.  they don't work anymore.
you are perplexed.  confused.

shocked.

jesus is faithful.  you are his.  he never leaves you.
though you lack understanding.  you believe.

you believe.  he is who he says he is.
you believe.  he is alive.  powerful.
and active.  in your life.

he teaches you.  to be patient.
he transforms you.  to be compassionate.
he redeems you.  to live for him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear pensive older me

i am hesitant.  careful.  hyper-vigilant.
pensive.

he is cruel.  barbaric.  ruthless.  devious.

i feel bare.  exposed. undefended.  condemned.
sad.  scared.  humiliated.

the will to fight.  within me.  is strong.
the will.  to carry on.  is not.
the will to pretend.  fake.  feign.  lie.
is a sham.  it is exhausting.

jesus is.  the way.  the truth.
and the life.  he is light. love. savior.

everything.  i long for.  hope for.  pray for.

he penetrates my fear.  my desperation.  my sorrow.
he keeps me.  from drowning.  in my shame.

he reaches.  down.  into my reality.
shines his light.  into my darkness.
speaks his truth.  into my facade.

i will.  lay before him.  what is in me.
the good.  the bad.  and the ugly.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shy little girl me

you are reserved.  quiet.  ashamed.

shy.

he holds you down.  you brace yourself.
he humiliates you.  you internalize the shame.
he tortures you.  you fight back the tears.

you dare not speak.  to avoid another round.

you dare to speak.  his force intensifies.

you fume.  on the inside.
you are calm.  on the outside.

you are a child.  he is an adult.
you can only.  survive.  for now.

you shy away.  from trusting.
you juggle.  hope and fear.
you balance.  pain and sorrow.

jesus faced opposition.  endured the cross.  suffered betrayal.

he gets you.  knows you.  forgives you.  loves you.
he made you.  to endure.  persevere.  overcome.

because of jesus-

you survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear merciful adult me

i feel as though i am in a vivid nightmare.
nothing makes sense.

i see other kids.
they seem happy.  safe.  different.

different from me.

what must it be like?  to not be terrorized.
abused.  degraded.  abandoned.

other kids play.  laugh.  smile.
they like going home.

or so it seems.

i curled up last night.  into a ball.  on the floor.
in a corner of my bedroom.  after he gave me.
another lesson.  in abuse.

i must have stayed.  in that corner.  in the dark.
for hours.

pleading with jesus.  for mercy.

he reminded me.  again.  that vengeance belongs.  to him.
and that he will never.  leave me.

i ponder his life here.  what he encountered.  endured.
survived.  overcame.

i want to.  be merciful.  as he is merciful.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear angry child me

i remember.  the hot rage.  the dry tears.
the simmering anger.

you feel helpless.  exposed.  furious.

he satisfies.  his lust.  by degrading.  you.

you are fragile.  yet sturdy.
tender.  yet resilient.
weak.  yet strong.
raw.  yet merciful.

the pain.  the lies.  the torment.
take their toll.  on your soul.  and your body.

you turn.  your anger.  inward.

to let it flow.  outward.  seems wrong.  dangerous.
sinful.

jesus understands your anger.  your confusion.
your vulnerability.

he purifies your emotions.  strengthens your heart.
forgives your sin.  grows your faith.

he cleanses you from.  all unrighteousness.
he transforms.  your spirit.
renews.  your mind.
fortifies.  your spirit.
sustains.  your body.

because of jesus-

your survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear undomesticated older me

i'm so scared.  wretched.  forsaken.  forlorn.

danger looms.  in every room.

he ties everything.  into abuse.
chores.  school.  hygiene.

cooking.

the kitchen.  i hate.  the kitchen.

his cruelty.  knocks me down.  shuts me up.
tears me apart.

how can home.  ever be.  a safe place?

today i feel.  hollow.  like an empty shell.
uncivilized.  undomesticated.  displaced.

i am certain.  jesus knows.  intimately.  my
tormented soul.  he was treated.  savagely.  by the very ones.
he gives life.  and breath to.

he must know.  the depth of my pain.  my fear.  my despair.
because of him.  your home.  will be different.

because of jesus.  i can endure.  persevere.  survive.

nothing is hidden.  from him.  nothing.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear crushed child me

wounds heal.  damage mends.  emotions settle.
thoughts improve.  life moves along.

his violence.  leaves you.  silenced.  ashamed.
confused.  tormented.  outraged.  sore.

crushed.

you live with.  the burning.  the stench.
the pain.  the vomiting.  the reeling.
the rage.  the panic.

you fight.  the images.  the terror.
the sadness.  the nausea.

you pray.  habitually.

your honesty.  with jesus.
is miraculous.

you believe.  he is.  the god.  who sees you.
hears you.  knows you.  fights for you.

he enters your sorrow.  your agony.
your loneliness.  your horror.

he takes on.  the pain.  of your.  reality.

because of jesus-

your survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear broken older me

my heart.  is broken.  my spirit crushed.

my body.  feels wretched.

my soul.  in pieces.

i dread.  being home.  alone.  with him.

i fight.  the fear within.  i berate.  myself.
in my thoughts.  i feel.  foolish.  stupid.
not human.

a broken.  object.

i hold on.  to hope.  that jesus will.  sustain me.
rescue me.  free me.  heal me.

for now i hide.  my pain.  trusting in.  his mercy.

i remember a story.  he met a lady.  at a well.
he told her.  he was living water.  he spoke words.
of life to her.  he loved her.  she knew it.

he knew.  everything.  about her.  his very presence.
changed her life.  that day.

jesus binds up.  the brokenhearted.  because he sees.
he hears.  he feels.  he enters.  our suffering.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear compassionate younger me

you never want anyone.  to feel.  the way you do.  to suffer abuse.
loneliness.  fear.  sadness.  terror.  brutality.  bullying.

your heart is angry.  yet tender.

downtrodden.  yet hopeful.

hardened.  yet soft.

roughened.  yet gentle.

resentful.  yet compassionate.

you come to know.  a love greater than any other.  deeper than
any sorrow.  stronger than any despair.

jesus takes your hand.  your heart.  your pain.  your shame.

his compassion.  is salve.  to your soul.

because of his.  relentless love.  you know him.  as your creator.  savior.
lord.  friend.  brother.  healer.  shepherd.

lover.  of your soul.

because of jesus-

you survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear defiled lady me

i resent.  the reality.  that i will.  never.  know.  what it feels like.
to be pure.

he stole that.  from me.  like a savage.

he ransacks.  my body.

wreaks havoc.  on my mind.

shatters.  my heart.

my soul is raw.  wild.  misguided.  poisoned.

i am desolate.

defiled.

i long to be clean.  peaceful.  whole.

jesus promises peace.  salvation.  freedom.  growth.  strength.
forgiveness.  mercy.  grace.  love.

compassion.

redemption.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear awkward adolescent child me

i know you feel.  clumsy.  nervous.  edgy.

awkward.

you are. confused. humiliated.  outraged.

i wish.  i could.  help you know.  the end to
his abuse.  is coming.

one day.  you will.  walk away.

your body will bear.  the pain.  of your reality.
and the reality.  of your pain.

the onslaught.  of intense emotions.  that ravage.
your soul.  will lessen.

you will learn.  to manage.  the aftermath.
of his.  violence.

jesus.  understands your pain.  he suffered.  and
despised.  the shame.

he bore.  the hatred of.  a sin filled world.
lies and insults.  were hurled at him.  he was
beaten.  and tortured.  in unthinkable ways.

you remember.  him.

you trust.  him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear adult survivor me

this day.  changed me.  i'm sure of it.

the smallest movement.  hurts.  even my skin.  is sick.
my mind.  a disaster.

how will i hide?  these bruises.  these scars.  this rage.
this sadness.  this humiliation.

how can i pretend?  this day.  didn't happen.

how can i forget?  so you won't remember.

today.  the pain.  and the shame.  are too much.

you will always carry.  the destruction.  of this day.
in your body.  soul.  and spirit.

and yet.  i do want to.

survive.

with a drop.  of faith.  i pray.  to jesus.

he knows.  the horror.  of this day.  he was there.  he
is here.  i am not alone.

again. i ponder.  his life here.  his crucifixion.  his
words.  his power.

his promises.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear tiny terrified child me

you are.  fragile.  isolated.  confused. terrified.

tiny.

you are.  strong.  resourceful.  smart.  brave.  tough.

he.  shames.  mangles.  strangles.  ridicules.  de-humanizes.

your tiny body.

keep breathing through.  the terror.  tiny.  child me.

your perpetual.  chronic.  retreats.  to jesus.
are your.  greatest decisions.

you believe.  he will not allow.  your reality.  to be wasted.
you are certain.  he will.  one day.  make all things.

new.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear damaged adult me

i'm stuck in hell here.  his brutality.  is maniacal.

nowhere to.  run.  hide.  elude.  evade.

should you survive.  i don't know yet.  the damage.
you will bear.

in your soul.  your body.  your spirit.

i'm terrified.  angry.  hurting.  always.  i am nothing
special.  i take it.  take it.  take it.  take.  it.

i tell myself.  one day.  this will.  be over.
but.  then.  what?

i.  am.  damaged.

ugly.  tired.  helpless.  angry.  ashamed.  afraid.

i dream of.  freedom.  kindness.  gentleness.  love.  peace.
mercy.  joy.  courage.

jesus.

he comforts me.  strengthens me.  reminds me.  he is.
all knowing.  ever present.  all powerful.  i will
cling.  to him.  hope you do too.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear rebel child me

anger and rebellion.  your response to.  his darkness.

his abuse.  is your world.  for now.

your rage.  is the most powerful tool.  you have.
it is the force.  behind the.

rebel.  in you.

rage.  protects you.  helps you survive.  gives you
an outlet.  for the tsunami of.  ugly thoughts.  dark
emotions.  extreme behavior.

rage.  is also the most destructive tool.  you have.  it is a
risky.  deceptive.  treacherous.  road.  for.  your sin.

your rage.  has a life of it's own.  a life jesus.
understands.  takes.  bears.  washes.  redirects.

your persistent.  determined.  stubborn.  tenacious.

faith.  in jesus.  eventually.  eradicates.  your rage.

he does not.  condemn you.  reject you.  hate you.

he does.  forgive you.  accept you.  love you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear ashamed adult me

if you survive.  if you are there.  in an unknown future.
shame must be.  your constant companion.

he hurts. and humiliates.  mercilessly.

with dark.  devious.  dirty.  calculating.

power and force.  manipulation and control.

i feel.  weak.  abandoned.  helpless.  mortified.

ashamed.

hope fades.  but flickers -

when i think of jesus.  run to jesus.  hold onto jesus.
believe jesus.

he walked on earth.  encountered abusive.  selfish.  stubborn.
self centered.  out of control.  people.

he promises us.  we will have trouble.  in this world.

he encourages us.  to take heart.

he assures us.  he has overcome.  the world.

he paid for sin.  defeated death.  forgives sin.  offers life.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear tormented child me

i know you're tired.  spent.  weak.

his torment.

like acid.  erodes your hope.  strips your dignity.
mangles your body.  scars your mind.

stunts your growth.  invades your soul.  corrupts your thoughts.  stains your heart.
grieves your spirit.

his abuse.  shreds.  your sense of self respect.  self worth.

he reminds you.  often.  that you are.  his play thing.  his punching bag.
an object.  for his wrath.

although you come close.  to throwing in the towel.  you don't give up.

your battle to survive.

becomes.

a battle to learn.  grow.  change.  overcome.  transform.

apart from jesus.  you can't win.

with jesus.  victory is yours.  

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear gentle older me

please be gentle.  older me.

he is so harsh.  his words.  his attacks.  his force.  his hate.

so very harsh.

i crave gentleness.  softness.  kindness.  quietness.

my life now.  is anything but gentle.

everything seems cold.  sharp.  savage.  gnawing.

putrid smells.  wretched pain.  horrific thoughts.  messy emotions.

rain comforts me.  its gentle strength.  makes me feel clean.
for a moment.   my soul connects to jesus.  in a strange way.  when it storms.

there is something about rain.  and tears.  that remind me.
of gentle strength.  gentle power.

of jesus.

he sees me.  he hears me.  he knows me.  he is with me.

he whispers to me.  of his life.  his death.  his resurrection.
his strength.  his victory.  his sorrow.  his joy.  his peace.

his love.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear lonely child me

i remember the loneliness.  the sadness.  the darkness.

he smiles.  when he sees.  your fear.  your anger.
your desperation.

he is callous.  mean.  hurtful.  dangerous.

if anyone could hear.  your deadened voice.  they might see.
your raw.  shattered.  lonely.  weak.  self.

if they see.  they will kick you.  further into the pit.

trust.  no.  one.

embrace.  the loneliness.   you are not alone.

jesus.  is.  your salvation.  your hope.  your rock.  your refuge.

in the solitude of your soul.  he abides.

constant.  faithful.  strong.  gentle.  kind.  patient.  worthy.

he changes you.  reshapes you.  cleans you.  redeems you.  restores you.
frees you.  teaches you.  guides you.  corrects you.  loves you.

he shows you.  over time.  who to trust.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear battle worn older me

the battle rages on here.

if you survived.  you must be worn thin.  tattered.  tainted.

i don't think he is human.  the things he forces me to do.

he is vicious.  depraved.  cruel.  strong.  demanding.  vile.

his intense fury.  feels like a hurricane.  in my body.  in my head.

swirling thoughts.  images.  words.  pounding.  cutting.

my body.  hate my body.  my body feels helpless.  like waves in the
open ocean.  submitting to a violent.  treacherous.  deadly.  cyclone.

tossed.  tormented.  tortured.  twisted.

i find little relief lately.  if any.  i retreat to jesus.  every chance i get.

i wonder about his life here.  the life he chose.

he willingly submitted to.  violent.  treacherous.  deadly.  people.
to pay for my sins.  to know suffering.  in the most intimate way.

he bore the punishment.  of sin.  for the entire human race.

he suffered. rejection.  sorrow.  pain.  humiliation.  betrayal.  abuse.  grief.  torture.

the likes of which.  i cannot fathom.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear chaotic child me

his daily terror.

violent tantrums.  habitual torment.  gruesome abuse.

create chaos.

in your body.  your soul.  your spirit.

catastrophic chaos.  inside.  and out.

you try so hard.  to be strong.  tough.  brave.

and you are.

you carry the chaos.  with quiet strength.  sheer will power.
wild imagination.  twisted rebellion.

one day.  you see.  the damage done to you.  it disturbs you.

he poisoned you.  every part of you.  you see clearly.  how f*!^ed up you are.
and that you will.  resemble your abuser.  if you don't reject his lies.

you begin an arduous.  healing.  journey.  to resemble your creator.

jesus.  nurtures you.  cleanses you.  forgives you.  redeems you.  knows you.
transforms you.   heals you.  guides you.  teaches you.  holds you.  restores you.
comforts you.  loves you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear tomorrow me

i wonder.  will you be there.  tomorrow?

his cruel hate.  will surely.  kill me.

tonight.

can't control my breathing.  shaking.  shivering.  sweating.
searing pain.

petrified.  frozen.  sick.

need.  the bathroom.  will have to move.  will have to open
the door.  turn on the light.

no.  can't turn the light on.

tonight.

i wish he would.  kill me.  then it would be over.

i won't move.  until morning.  praying now.

remembering jesus.  asking his father.  if there be any.
other.  way.  let this cup pass.  from me.

nevertheless.  not my will.  but your will.  be done.

i will cling to him.  because of jesus.  i am not alone.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear masked child me

it is a constant.  desperate.  challenge.

masking the pain.  masking the reality.

the reality of pain.  the pain of reality.

the monster.  abuser.  coward.  bully.  mo^*er  fu*^er.

ruled his kingdom with evil power.
fierce brutality.
shameless control.
intimidating force.
callous humiliation.

you are powerless.  helpless.  defenseless.  petrified.

to change.  the reality.  the pain.

you are prayerful.  brave.  wise.  courageous.

to change.  your thoughts.  to jesus.

creator.  savior.  redeemer.  healer.  king of kings.

rules your soul with perfect power.
relentless love.
gentle correction.
healing guidance.
intimate truth.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear silent adult me

if you are there.  i wonder.  are you still being
silent?

have you told anyone yet?

i feel as though i will explode soon.  the secret is
so heavy.  but i can't speak of it.  mustn't speak of it.

i am a freak of nature.  if i speak of it.  i will be even
more of an outcast.

so i pretend.  pretend i'm normal.  pretend nothing is wrong.

i'm building an imaginary wall.  around my soul.  so the words
won't leak out.  so no one can peek in.

jesus is here.  in my soul.  i tell him everything.

i have no memories of not knowing violent sex.

i have no memories of not knowing god.

how can that be?  how can the holy one.  creator.  savior.
stay with me. in the horror?  he never leaves me.

no pretending with him.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear fragile small me

you are brave.  so very brave.

you're brave because i know how angry and terrified you are.

how fragile you are.

your body was never meant to be used.  abused.
beaten.  trashed.  exposed.  exploited.  devalued.

i remember the battles in your mind.

you hate him; you love him
he makes you sick; you feel sorry for him
you detest him; you obey him
you fear him; you pray for him
you despise him; you care for him

you feel guilty.  ashamed.  for what he is doing.

you want to expose him; you want to protect your little family

you can't understand any of it.  you run
to jesus with your thoughts.

he comforts you.  assures you.  builds your faith.  in him.

you trust him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear lady me

i imagine you grown up.  being a lady.  like the lady
i admire most.  in whose womb i was knit together.

so many times i want to run away.  my love.  my need for her.
keeps me in place.  my need for her love.  paramount.

my desire to defend her.  to deflect assaults.  keeps me in place.

she seems so strong.  tough.  she does not cry out loud.

he punched her last night right in front of me.  i threw boiling water
on his back.  he turned his assaults toward me.

everything hurts.  everything.

try to make myself invisible.  feel so dirty.

being in water.  my favorite place.  water.  need more water.

back to school tomorrow.  i fear my mask is cracking.
someone will see.  my shame.  my humiliation.

jesus.  despised the shame.

he is the only.  hope.  i have.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear confused child me

f*&%ing little b*%&#.    his name for you.

you are not that.  i hate that he called you that.

you internalize those words.  they haunt you.  torment you.
his words are powerful.  they damage you severely.

his massive body and filthy words.

inflict irreversible injuries.  to your body.
devastating wounds.  to your soul.
deep brokenness.  to your heart.

his words never really leave you.  they do lose their sting.
their power.  their influence.

you make a choice.

at a very young age.  you chose to believe jesus.   once for eternal salvation.  
you keep on choosing jesus.   every second.  minute.  hour.  day.

you discover the journey of change.  exchange.  redemption.

transformation.   because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear big me

i need you to be there.  big.  strong.  powerful.

i want you to speak for little ones.  who can't speak
for themselves.  i want you to see.  don't look away.

i want you to be there.  big.  strong.  powerful.

to show him.

he beat you down.  tore you apart.  shredded your dignity.
he devours.  demeans.  degrades.
he does not defeat you.  he will not destroy you.

i despise him.  i feel sorry for him.

jesus stays with me.  through every endless hour.  i see him
in my mind.  i feel him in my soul.  i am not alone.

i imagine his death.  on the cross.  the endless hours of barbaric
torture.  leading to the cross.

the bible says.  he came to that which was his own, and his own
did not receive him.

creator.  savior.  have mercy on us.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear little girl me

 you survived little one.  i'm here.  still kind of little.
only much older.  much tamer.

still outraged by injustice.  indignity.  indifference.

your little heart always reacted to other's suffering.  you
wept for them.  on the inside.  you screamed to god with silent
pleadings to make abusers stop.  make him stop.

i remember your fantasies of vengeance.  justice.  retribution.

dear little one, your heart is fierce.  still fierce.

if you had the strength to stop him.  you would.  your wit is
no match for his strength.  you lose every time.  you must try.

you become jaded.  cynical.  ugly.  bitter.  ambivalent.

you don't settle there.  your heart won't let you.

you run to jesus.  in your thoughts.  you remember his words.
what he said on the cross.  forgive them.

your sharp edges become softened.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear woman me

i believe you are there.  i hope.  i pray.

i'm finding new ways to cope.  to rebel.  to control.
something.  anything.

i feel embarrassed all the time.  ashamed.  confused.

he loves to humiliate.  degrade.  berate.  punish.  accuse.  abuse.

sometimes i think this can't be real.  it has to be a
crazy devilish nightmare.  but it is all too real.

the internal pain every bit as real as the physical pain.

my body devastated.  mind poisoned.   heart distorted.

my spirit.  unbeatable.

i heard jesus is a man of sorrow.  he knows grief.
familiar with suffering.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear adolescent me

i am here.  i wish i could assure you that i'm here.

your sheer will power to survive is astounding.

you are tender.  you are determined.
i know you feel weak.  helpless.  paralyzed.

but you are strong.  courageous.  smart.

he knows that.  it worries him.  his violence escalates.

you become more creative.  more clever.  more introverted.
more hidden.  more enraged.

he is afraid of you.  he becomes more desperate.  he can only
find more ways to defile you.  contain you.  control you.

you obey.  you hate yourself for obeying.

you rage.  you hate yourself for raging.

you run to jesus in your mind.  your heart.  your spirit.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear adult me

i wish i knew if you are there.  still surviving.

every day is a battle.  can't hide.

tired of the fight in my mind.   in my body.
to just take it.  the viscous.  depraved.  constant.  assaults.

i am rebelling.  revolting.  retaliating.

he is relentless.

i tried to hurt him.

he laughed.  lunged.  and threw me around like a rag doll.

if you are there, i know you will remember these days well.  but i so
want you to forget.  the horror.

i listen to everything i can about jesus.  i daydream about his
crucifixion.  the horror.

the love.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear grade school me

i remember you.  so incredibly determined you were.

his terror often caused you to freeze.  on the inside.

he twisted.  taunted.  tormented.  tortured.

you resisted.  recoiled.  repressed.  regurgitated.

you couldn't make what was happening to you stop.  you couldn't make what
was happening in your head stop.  you endured being used in the vilest ways.

you found ways to help you cope with the madness around you.  the madness inside of you.

you were clever.  you were silent.  you were tough.  you never let him see you cry.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear older me

i hope you are there.  i am afraid.  angry.

raging mad.

my head hurts a lot.  my mind is tortured with hellish thoughts.

i'm making a plan to make him stop.  but it doesn't work.

i am enduring.  desperate to survive.  frantically trying to
make it all make sense.  i bang my head against the wall to try and make
the images go away.  it doesn't work.

someone keeps telling me about jesus.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear vulnerable me child

i'm still here.  moving around on planet earth.

your courage helped me survive.

you were vulnerable and helpless.  he took advantage of you mercilessly.  shame and humiliation, violence and torment - his weapons.

you were defenseless against his strength and brutality.  evil.

your body damaged beyond repair.  your soul distorted.  your heart broken.  your mind twisted.

your spirit - invincible.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear fifty year old me

i'm seven now.  still surviving.

i can't see you.  i don't know you.

i want you to be there.  somewhere in the future.

i want to help you make it.  but sometimes all i can do is to barely keep breathing.

i can't give up.  i can't give in.  i can't accept that this is all there is.  life can't all be this vile.  this painful.  this frightening.  this sad.

i can tell you that i believe god is real.  that's about all i know for sure.

god is real.

jesus is real.

he knows.  knows all.

dear five year old me

you were pretty brave back then.
resourceful.
resilient.
creative.

you thought things were normal and yet you somehow knew no one would believe the terrifying reality of your life.

you were so little.
so young.
so petrified.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.