Saturday, August 20, 2016

dear ashamed adult me

if you survive.  if you are there.  in an unknown future.
shame must be.  your constant companion.

he hurts. and humiliates.  mercilessly.

with dark.  devious.  dirty.  calculating.

power and force.  manipulation and control.

i feel.  weak.  abandoned.  helpless.  mortified.

ashamed.

hope fades.  but flickers -

when i think of jesus.  run to jesus.  hold onto jesus.
believe jesus.

he walked on earth.  encountered abusive.  selfish.  stubborn.
self centered.  out of control.  people.

he promises us.  we will have trouble.  in this world.

he encourages us.  to take heart.

he assures us.  he has overcome.  the world.

he paid for sin.  defeated death.  forgives sin.  offers life.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

dear tormented child me

i know you're tired.  spent.  weak.

his torment.

like acid.  erodes your hope.  strips your dignity.
mangles your body.  scars your mind.

stunts your growth.  invades your soul.  corrupts your thoughts.  stains your heart.
grieves your spirit.

his abuse.  shreds.  your sense of self respect.  self worth.

he reminds you.  often.  that you are.  his play thing.  his punching bag.
an object.  for his wrath.

although you come close.  to throwing in the towel.  you don't give up.

your battle to survive.

becomes.

a battle to learn.  grow.  change.  overcome.  transform.

apart from jesus.  you can't win.

with jesus.  victory is yours.  

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

dear gentle older me

please be gentle.  older me.

he is so harsh.  his words.  his attacks.  his force.  his hate.

so very harsh.

i crave gentleness.  softness.  kindness.  quietness.

my life now.  is anything but gentle.

everything seems cold.  sharp.  savage.  gnawing.

putrid smells.  wretched pain.  horrific thoughts.  messy emotions.

rain comforts me.  its gentle strength.  makes me feel clean.
for a moment.   my soul connects to jesus.  in a strange way.  when it storms.

there is something about rain.  and tears.  that remind me.
of gentle strength.  gentle power.

of jesus.

he sees me.  he hears me.  he knows me.  he is with me.

he whispers to me.  of his life.  his death.  his resurrection.
his strength.  his victory.  his sorrow.  his joy.  his peace.

his love.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

dear lonely child me

i remember the loneliness.  the sadness.  the darkness.

he smiles.  when he sees.  your fear.  your anger.
your desperation.

he is callous.  mean.  hurtful.  dangerous.

if anyone could hear.  your deadened voice.  they might see.
your raw.  shattered.  lonely.  weak.  self.

if they see.  they will kick you.  further into the pit.

trust.  no.  one.

embrace.  the loneliness.   you are not alone.

jesus.  is.  your salvation.  your hope.  your rock.  your refuge.

in the solitude of your soul.  he abides.

constant.  faithful.  strong.  gentle.  kind.  patient.  worthy.

he changes you.  reshapes you.  cleans you.  redeems you.  restores you.
frees you.  teaches you.  guides you.  corrects you.  loves you.

he shows you.  over time.  who to trust.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

dear battle worn older me

the battle rages on here.

if you survived.  you must be worn thin.  tattered.  tainted.

i don't think he is human.  the things he forces me to do.

he is vicious.  depraved.  cruel.  strong.  demanding.  vile.

his intense fury.  feels like a hurricane.  in my body.  in my head.

swirling thoughts.  images.  words.  pounding.  cutting.

my body.  hate my body.  my body feels helpless.  like waves in the
open ocean.  submitting to a violent.  treacherous.  deadly.  cyclone.

tossed.  tormented.  tortured.  twisted.

i find little relief lately.  if any.  i retreat to jesus.  every chance i get.

i wonder about his life here.  the life he chose.

he willingly submitted to.  violent.  treacherous.  deadly.  people.
to pay for my sins.  to know suffering.  in the most intimate way.

he bore the punishment.  of sin.  for the entire human race.

he suffered. rejection.  sorrow.  pain.  humiliation.  betrayal.  abuse.  grief.  torture.

the likes of which.  i cannot fathom.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

dear chaotic child me

his daily terror.

violent tantrums.  habitual torment.  gruesome abuse.

create chaos.

in your body.  your soul.  your spirit.

catastrophic chaos.  inside.  and out.

you try so hard.  to be strong.  tough.  brave.

and you are.

you carry the chaos.  with quiet strength.  sheer will power.
wild imagination.  twisted rebellion.

one day.  you see.  the damage done to you.  it disturbs you.

he poisoned you.  every part of you.  you see clearly.  how f*!^ed up you are.
and that you will.  resemble your abuser.  if you don't reject his lies.

you begin an arduous.  healing.  journey.  to resemble your creator.

jesus.  nurtures you.  cleanses you.  forgives you.  redeems you.  knows you.
transforms you.   heals you.  guides you.  teaches you.  holds you.  restores you.
comforts you.  loves you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

Monday, August 1, 2016

dear tomorrow me

i wonder.  will you be there.  tomorrow?

his cruel hate.  will surely.  kill me.

tonight.

can't control my breathing.  shaking.  shivering.  sweating.
searing pain.

petrified.  frozen.  sick.

need.  the bathroom.  will have to move.  will have to open
the door.  turn on the light.

no.  can't turn the light on.

tonight.

i wish he would.  kill me.  then it would be over.

i won't move.  until morning.  praying now.

remembering jesus.  asking his father.  if there be any.
other.  way.  let this cup pass.  from me.

nevertheless.  not my will.  but your will.  be done.

i will cling to him.  because of jesus.  i am not alone.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.