dear masked child me

it is a constant.  desperate.  challenge.

masking the pain.  masking the reality.

the reality of pain.  the pain of reality.

the monster.  abuser.  coward.  bully.  mo^*er  fu*^er.

ruled his kingdom with evil power.
fierce brutality.
shameless control.
intimidating force.
callous humiliation.

you are powerless.  helpless.  defenseless.  petrified.

to change.  the reality.  the pain.

you are prayerful.  brave.  wise.  courageous.

to change.  your thoughts.  to jesus.

creator.  savior.  redeemer.  healer.  king of kings.

rules your soul with perfect power.
relentless love.
gentle correction.
healing guidance.
intimate truth.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear silent adult me

if you are there.  i wonder.  are you still being
silent?

have you told anyone yet?

i feel as though i will explode soon.  the secret is
so heavy.  but i can't speak of it.  mustn't speak of it.

i am a freak of nature.  if i speak of it.  i will be even
more of an outcast.

so i pretend.  pretend i'm normal.  pretend nothing is wrong.

i'm building an imaginary wall.  around my soul.  so the words
won't leak out.  so no one can peek in.

jesus is here.  in my soul.  i tell him everything.

i have no memories of not knowing violent sex.

i have no memories of not knowing god.

how can that be?  how can the holy one.  creator.  savior.
stay with me. in the horror?  he never leaves me.

no pretending with him.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear fragile small me

you are brave.  so very brave.

you're brave because i know how angry and terrified you are.

how fragile you are.

your body was never meant to be used.  abused.
beaten.  trashed.  exposed.  exploited.  devalued.

i remember the battles in your mind.

you hate him; you love him
he makes you sick; you feel sorry for him
you detest him; you obey him
you fear him; you pray for him
you despise him; you care for him

you feel guilty.  ashamed.  for what he is doing.

you want to expose him; you want to protect your little family

you can't understand any of it.  you run
to jesus with your thoughts.

he comforts you.  assures you.  builds your faith.  in him.

you trust him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear lady me

i imagine you grown up.  being a lady.  like the lady
i admire most.  in whose womb i was knit together.

so many times i want to run away.  my love.  my need for her.
keeps me in place.  my need for her love.  paramount.

my desire to defend her.  to deflect assaults.  keeps me in place.

she seems so strong.  tough.  she does not cry out loud.

he punched her last night right in front of me.  i threw boiling water
on his back.  he turned his assaults toward me.

everything hurts.  everything.

try to make myself invisible.  feel so dirty.

being in water.  my favorite place.  water.  need more water.

back to school tomorrow.  i fear my mask is cracking.
someone will see.  my shame.  my humiliation.

jesus.  despised the shame.

he is the only.  hope.  i have.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear confused child me

f*&%ing little b*%&#.    his name for you.

you are not that.  i hate that he called you that.

you internalize those words.  they haunt you.  torment you.
his words are powerful.  they damage you severely.

his massive body and filthy words.

inflict irreversible injuries.  to your body.
devastating wounds.  to your soul.
deep brokenness.  to your heart.

his words never really leave you.  they do lose their sting.
their power.  their influence.

you make a choice.

at a very young age.  you chose to believe jesus.   once for eternal salvation.  
you keep on choosing jesus.   every second.  minute.  hour.  day.

you discover the journey of change.  exchange.  redemption.

transformation.   because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear big me

i need you to be there.  big.  strong.  powerful.

i want you to speak for little ones.  who can't speak
for themselves.  i want you to see.  don't look away.

i want you to be there.  big.  strong.  powerful.

to show him.

he beat you down.  tore you apart.  shredded your dignity.
he devours.  demeans.  degrades.
he does not defeat you.  he will not destroy you.

i despise him.  i feel sorry for him.

jesus stays with me.  through every endless hour.  i see him
in my mind.  i feel him in my soul.  i am not alone.

i imagine his death.  on the cross.  the endless hours of barbaric
torture.  leading to the cross.

the bible says.  he came to that which was his own, and his own
did not receive him.

creator.  savior.  have mercy on us.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear little girl me

 you survived little one.  i'm here.  still kind of little.
only much older.  much tamer.

still outraged by injustice.  indignity.  indifference.

your little heart always reacted to other's suffering.  you
wept for them.  on the inside.  you screamed to god with silent
pleadings to make abusers stop.  make him stop.

i remember your fantasies of vengeance.  justice.  retribution.

dear little one, your heart is fierce.  still fierce.

if you had the strength to stop him.  you would.  your wit is
no match for his strength.  you lose every time.  you must try.

you become jaded.  cynical.  ugly.  bitter.  ambivalent.

you don't settle there.  your heart won't let you.

you run to jesus.  in your thoughts.  you remember his words.
what he said on the cross.  forgive them.

your sharp edges become softened.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear woman me

i believe you are there.  i hope.  i pray.

i'm finding new ways to cope.  to rebel.  to control.
something.  anything.

i feel embarrassed all the time.  ashamed.  confused.

he loves to humiliate.  degrade.  berate.  punish.  accuse.  abuse.

sometimes i think this can't be real.  it has to be a
crazy devilish nightmare.  but it is all too real.

the internal pain every bit as real as the physical pain.

my body devastated.  mind poisoned.   heart distorted.

my spirit.  unbeatable.

i heard jesus is a man of sorrow.  he knows grief.
familiar with suffering.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear adolescent me

i am here.  i wish i could assure you that i'm here.

your sheer will power to survive is astounding.

you are tender.  you are determined.
i know you feel weak.  helpless.  paralyzed.

but you are strong.  courageous.  smart.

he knows that.  it worries him.  his violence escalates.

you become more creative.  more clever.  more introverted.
more hidden.  more enraged.

he is afraid of you.  he becomes more desperate.  he can only
find more ways to defile you.  contain you.  control you.

you obey.  you hate yourself for obeying.

you rage.  you hate yourself for raging.

you run to jesus in your mind.  your heart.  your spirit.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear adult me

i wish i knew if you are there.  still surviving.

every day is a battle.  can't hide.

tired of the fight in my mind.   in my body.
to just take it.  the viscous.  depraved.  constant.  assaults.

i am rebelling.  revolting.  retaliating.

he is relentless.

i tried to hurt him.

he laughed.  lunged.  and threw me around like a rag doll.

if you are there, i know you will remember these days well.  but i so
want you to forget.  the horror.

i listen to everything i can about jesus.  i daydream about his
crucifixion.  the horror.

the love.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear grade school me

i remember you.  so incredibly determined you were.

his terror often caused you to freeze.  on the inside.

he twisted.  taunted.  tormented.  tortured.

you resisted.  recoiled.  repressed.  regurgitated.

you couldn't make what was happening to you stop.  you couldn't make what
was happening in your head stop.  you endured being used in the vilest ways.

you found ways to help you cope with the madness around you.  the madness inside of you.

you were clever.  you were silent.  you were tough.  you never let him see you cry.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear older me

i hope you are there.  i am afraid.  angry.

raging mad.

my head hurts a lot.  my mind is tortured with hellish thoughts.

i'm making a plan to make him stop.  but it doesn't work.

i am enduring.  desperate to survive.  frantically trying to
make it all make sense.  i bang my head against the wall to try and make
the images go away.  it doesn't work.

someone keeps telling me about jesus.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.