dear silent adult me

if you are there.  i wonder.  are you still being
silent?

have you told anyone yet?

i feel as though i will explode soon.  the secret is
so heavy.  but i can't speak of it.  mustn't speak of it.

i am a freak of nature.  if i speak of it.  i will be even
more of an outcast.

so i pretend.  pretend i'm normal.  pretend nothing is wrong.

i'm building an imaginary wall.  around my soul.  so the words
won't leak out.  so no one can peek in.

jesus is here.  in my soul.  i tell him everything.

i have no memories of not knowing violent sex.

i have no memories of not knowing god.

how can that be?  how can the holy one.  creator.  savior.
stay with me. in the horror?  he never leaves me.

no pretending with him.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.