dear strong adult me

i am. tired. fragile. frightened.

weak.

he keeps me alone. isolated. confused.
trapped.

i am little. broken. forgotten.

none listen to. my pleas. for rescue.
none notice. my need. for help.

who will you be? if you survive.
where will you go? if you overcome.

will your voice be strong?
will speak about all the wrong?

no one hears. my belittled voice.

no one sees. my angry tears.

for now.

but. there is one. i believe.
who sees me. hears me. knows me.

the one. who made me. promises.
to never hate me. hurt me. leave me. forsake me.

he will. save me. deliver me. love me.

i believe.

 he knows. knows all.

dear fragmented child me

first a slap.
then a smash.
a cruel kick.
does the trick.

now you are.

fragmented.

broken. cracked. chipped.

you run for cover.
so none discover.

the depth of your fear.
in every. hidden. tear.

the one who made you.
is near.

he gives strength.
for one more day.
teaches you. to pray.

he collects. your tears.
demolishes. your fears.

because of jesus-

you survived.
you are still overcoming.

dear alone adult me

i am unknown. afraid.

alone.

the abuser.
my accuser.
names me. loser.

his fists. land.
i hang. by a strand.

i’m not allowed. to stand.

he is barbaric. cruel.
i feel like. a fool.

desperate to breathe.
i long for. reprieve.
for now. i grieve.

to christ. i cleave.

one day. i will leave.
pain. terror. aloneness.
jesus will. relieve

though i hurt. fall.
crawl.
he hears. my anguished call.

i am not.
alone.

i believe.

he knows.
knows all.

dear loved little girl me

you shrink. shirk. shrug.
to think of being. seen. known.

loved.

the tormentor. taunts. haunts. daunts.
shames you. blames you. hates you.

his vileness. knows. no bounds.
his atrocities. unrelenting.

you believe. you are.
unworthy. unclean.
unknown. unlovable.

there is one. who sees you.
hears you. knows you.
loves you.

the one who. made you.
sustains you. frees you. redeems you.

he does not.
leave you. abandon you. forsake you.

in his time. he does.
rescue you. restore you. renew you.

because of jesus-
you are loved.

you survived.
you are still overcoming.

dear invisible older me

i am nervous. hesitant. inhibited.
oppressed.
repressed.
reluctant.

invisible.

he is cold. cruel. coarse.
invading my body. and soul.
with brutal. maniacal. force.

i am cornered. contained. controlled.
i do. as i am told.

though i am young.
i feel. terribly old.

empty. barren. desolate.
i plead. beg. argue.
to a god. i cannot see.

teetering trust. flimsy faith.
sustain my hope. you will be seen.

jesus said. seek. knock.

i will seek.
i will knock.
the door will open.
i will be found.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

dear hushed child me

i remember. the sound. of your silence.

your noiseless screams.
your hidden terror.
your mute panic.
your wordless shame.

your. hushed. voice.

the abuser is loud. strong. big.
cruel. powerful.

you are quiet. weak. small.
numb. frozen.

in the prison. of your fear.
you cringe.

confined. in your cell. of uncertainty.
you pray.
believe.
anticipate.
expect.

redemption. freedom. liberation.

jesus hears. knows. sees. responds.
because of jesus. your voice is.
redeemed.
freed.
unhushed.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear sabotaged older me

my body.  mangled.
my heart.  vandalized.
my emotions.  tainted.

my life.  sabotaged.

lies.  darkness.  rage.
evil.

surround me.
engulf me.
suffocate me.

the abuser is.  powerful.
manipulative.
calculating.

i am.  determined.
stubborn.
obstinate.

i cling to the hope.
that jesus is.  who he says he is.

my creator.  savior.  redeemer.

he promises.  comfort.  peace.
truth.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear tempted teenager me

tenuous. tired. twisted.

tempted.

you fight. you lose.
you give in. you lose.
you run. nowhere.
you freeze. in shame.

he teases you. taunts you. tortures you.
terrifies you.

you learn to.
stifle the tears. numb the pain.
shun the fears. hide the stain.

you hope. you pray. you believe.

you endure.

persevere.

persist.

plod. struggle. crawl.

you remember. your maker.
your cross bearer. your pain taker.
your savior.

he sustains you. holds you. carries you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear weary older me

i am weak.  wounded.  weary.

small.

fearful.  fragile.  furious.

nothing.  i try.  stops him.
everything.  i try.  provokes him.

rage and terror.  boil.  in my stomach.
disgust and repulsion.  torture.  my mind.
confusion and rebellion.  derail.  my heart.

shame and sadness.  shadow.  my life.

i feel powerless.  senseless.  useless.

with little faith.  i turn to jesus.
i fight. in my mind.  to give him.  my thoughts.
i ache. in my heart.  to trust him.  completely.

his life.  his death.  his word.
show me.  he asks nothing of me.  he doesn't do himself.

he knows pain.  grief.  loss.  abandonment.  torment.

yet.

he forgives sinners.  rescues captives.  frees prisoners.
saves lives.  heals hearts.  breaks chains.  loves people.

we are made.  in his image.  to imitate him.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear cringing child me

you tremble.  shudder.  squirm.  cringe.

he laughs.  mocks.  humiliates.  terrorizes.

you feel desperate.  manic.  helpless.

he is devious.  treacherous.  savage.

the abuse.  is hidden.  in plain sight.

they look.  but don't see.
they hear.  but don't listen.
they know.  but are unaware.

he is a master of.
manipulation.  deception.  pretense.

you have one assurance.  one confidence.
one hope.

jesus.

he confronted.  manipulative.  conniving.
unscrupulous.  people.

he looks.  sees.  hears.  listens.  knows.
he is fully.  aware.  of your.  reality.

he does not.  leave you.  alone.

he restores.  your calm.
strengthens.  your faith.
secures.  your future.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear alone older me

a storm.  is crashing down.  outside.

there is hail.  lightening.  thunder.
hurricane wind.

a different storm.  brews.  inside.

there is terror.  violence.  desolation.
abominable assaults.

alone.  afraid.

abandoned.  to his.  depravity.

ashamed.  of my.  weakness.

my spirit.  crushed.
my body.  mangled.
my mind.  disturbed.

i do not.  speak.  of the abuse.
the damage.  the debilitating fear.

except to jesus.

before him.  i am exposed.  uncovered.
raw.  not alone.

nothing.  is hidden.  from him.
i trust.  his redemption.  will come.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear turbulent child me

his fury is fierce.  his wrath.  unrestrained.
he is wild.  violent.  sadistic.

you feel livid.  enraged.  irate.

your thoughts.  agitated.
your body.  unstable.
your emotions.  turbulent.

you are small.  weak.  young.

he is monstrous.  massive.  merciless.

you know.  what fresh hell.  awaits you.
every day.

how can morning.  be good?
how can night.  be good?

you question.  you wonder.  you struggle.
you dare to hope.  dream.  believe.

jesus stays with you.  he reminds you.  he knows.
firsthand.  the cruelty.  of people.

he is not unaware.  of your nightmare.
he does.  deliver you.  free you.
vindicate you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear tenderhearted adult me

so loud.  crashing thoughts.  pounding images.
raging emotions.

noise.  clamor.  racket.

crawl.  creep.  tip-toe.
does not matter.
he sees.  hears.  intercepts.

alone.  midnight.  in the corner.
in the shadow.

quietness comes. pandemonium silenced.
jesus whispers.

he is my hope.  my strength.  my refuge.

people.  he created.  tormented him.
tortured him.  ridiculed him.  rejected him.

yet his compassion.  persisted.
his mercy.  magnified.
his grace.  relentless.

he is strong.  gentle.  tender.  kind.

his truth.  softens my heart.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear little lost girl me

you are sad.  alone.  lost.
you cower.  when he enters.  the room.
the danger around you.  is terrifying.

your mind is infected.  with fear.
your dry tears.  are filled.  with rage.
your silent screams.  hide.  in your gut.

you fight.  you resist.  you repress.

you pray.

jesus hears you.  stays with you.
fights for you.

he rescues you.  from the abuse.
delivers you.  from the darkness.
restores you.  with a new heart.
redeems you.  to live for him.

he heals.  your mind.
casts out.  your fear.
releases.  your tears.
removes.  your rage.
gives a voice.  to your screams.

you are loved.  refined.  found.
because of jesus.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear peaceful older me

i feel unsettled.  uneasy.  undone.

peace seems unattainable.  unreal.  undeserved.
unreachable.

chaos.  all around me.
people in pain.  afraid.  ashamed.
living in terror.  violence.  brokenness.

i am one of them.

he shows no mercy.
ridicule.  torment.  torture.
darkness. loneliness.
follow.  his assaults.

i search.  for peace.  in my mind.
jesus talks about peace.
i focus.  on his words.

he said.  peace.  i leave you.
my peace.  i give you.

though there was.  pain.  in him.
pain.  all around him.
his very presence.  brought peace.
to the most troubled souls.

because of jesus.  you will.  know peace.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shocked twenty something year old me

you hit the ground.  running.  you try not to look back.
he taught you well.  you learned a lot.

his abuse taught you.  to be vigilant.  apprehensive.
ashamed.

his torment taught you.  to be defensive.  angry.
stubborn.

his power and control taught you.  to feel worthless.
useless.  unlovable.

these responses.  and tactics.  you've learned so well.
helped you.  survive.  you soon realize.  they don't work anymore.
you are perplexed.  confused.

shocked.

jesus is faithful.  you are his.  he never leaves you.
though you lack understanding.  you believe.

you believe.  he is who he says he is.
you believe.  he is alive.  powerful.
and active.  in your life.

he teaches you.  to be patient.
he transforms you.  to be compassionate.
he redeems you.  to live for him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear pensive older me

i am hesitant.  careful.  hyper-vigilant.
pensive.

he is cruel.  barbaric.  ruthless.  devious.

i feel bare.  exposed. undefended.  condemned.
sad.  scared.  humiliated.

the will to fight.  within me.  is strong.
the will.  to carry on.  is not.
the will to pretend.  fake.  feign.  lie.
is a sham.  it is exhausting.

jesus is.  the way.  the truth.
and the life.  he is light. love. savior.

everything.  i long for.  hope for.  pray for.

he penetrates my fear.  my desperation.  my sorrow.
he keeps me.  from drowning.  in my shame.

he reaches.  down.  into my reality.
shines his light.  into my darkness.
speaks his truth.  into my facade.

i will.  lay before him.  what is in me.
the good.  the bad.  and the ugly.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shy little girl me

you are reserved.  quiet.  ashamed.

shy.

he holds you down.  you brace yourself.
he humiliates you.  you internalize the shame.
he tortures you.  you fight back the tears.

you dare not speak.  to avoid another round.

you dare to speak.  his force intensifies.

you fume.  on the inside.
you are calm.  on the outside.

you are a child.  he is an adult.
you can only.  survive.  for now.

you shy away.  from trusting.
you juggle.  hope and fear.
you balance.  pain and sorrow.

jesus faced opposition.  endured the cross.  suffered betrayal.

he gets you.  knows you.  forgives you.  loves you.
he made you.  to endure.  persevere.  overcome.

because of jesus-

you survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear merciful adult me

i feel as though i am in a vivid nightmare.
nothing makes sense.

i see other kids.
they seem happy.  safe.  different.

different from me.

what must it be like?  to not be terrorized.
abused.  degraded.  abandoned.

other kids play.  laugh.  smile.
they like going home.

or so it seems.

i curled up last night.  into a ball.  on the floor.
in a corner of my bedroom.  after he gave me.
another lesson.  in abuse.

i must have stayed.  in that corner.  in the dark.
for hours.

pleading with jesus.  for mercy.

he reminded me.  again.  that vengeance belongs.  to him.
and that he will never.  leave me.

i ponder his life here.  what he encountered.  endured.
survived.  overcame.

i want to.  be merciful.  as he is merciful.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear angry child me

i remember.  the hot rage.  the dry tears.
the simmering anger.

you feel helpless.  exposed.  furious.

he satisfies.  his lust.  by degrading.  you.

you are fragile.  yet sturdy.
tender.  yet resilient.
weak.  yet strong.
raw.  yet merciful.

the pain.  the lies.  the torment.
take their toll.  on your soul.  and your body.

you turn.  your anger.  inward.

to let it flow.  outward.  seems wrong.  dangerous.
sinful.

jesus understands your anger.  your confusion.
your vulnerability.

he purifies your emotions.  strengthens your heart.
forgives your sin.  grows your faith.

he cleanses you from.  all unrighteousness.
he transforms.  your spirit.
renews.  your mind.
fortifies.  your spirit.
sustains.  your body.

because of jesus-

your survived.

you are still overcoming.