dear tenderhearted adult me

so loud.  crashing thoughts.  pounding images.
raging emotions.

noise.  clamor.  racket.

crawl.  creep.  tip-toe.
does not matter.
he sees.  hears.  intercepts.

alone.  midnight.  in the corner.
in the shadow.

quietness comes. pandemonium silenced.
jesus whispers.

he is my hope.  my strength.  my refuge.

people.  he created.  tormented him.
tortured him.  ridiculed him.  rejected him.

yet his compassion.  persisted.
his mercy.  magnified.
his grace.  relentless.

he is strong.  gentle.  tender.  kind.

his truth.  softens my heart.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear little lost girl me

you are sad.  alone.  lost.
you cower.  when he enters.  the room.
the danger around you.  is terrifying.

your mind is infected.  with fear.
your dry tears.  are filled.  with rage.
your silent screams.  hide.  in your gut.

you fight.  you resist.  you repress.

you pray.

jesus hears you.  stays with you.
fights for you.

he rescues you.  from the abuse.
delivers you.  from the darkness.
restores you.  with a new heart.
redeems you.  to live for him.

he heals.  your mind.
casts out.  your fear.
releases.  your tears.
removes.  your rage.
gives a voice.  to your screams.

you are loved.  refined.  found.
because of jesus.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear peaceful older me

i feel unsettled.  uneasy.  undone.

peace seems unattainable.  unreal.  undeserved.
unreachable.

chaos.  all around me.
people in pain.  afraid.  ashamed.
living in terror.  violence.  brokenness.

i am one of them.

he shows no mercy.
ridicule.  torment.  torture.
darkness. loneliness.
follow.  his assaults.

i search.  for peace.  in my mind.
jesus talks about peace.
i focus.  on his words.

he said.  peace.  i leave you.
my peace.  i give you.

though there was.  pain.  in him.
pain.  all around him.
his very presence.  brought peace.
to the most troubled souls.

because of jesus.  you will.  know peace.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shocked twenty something year old me

you hit the ground.  running.  you try not to look back.
he taught you well.  you learned a lot.

his abuse taught you.  to be vigilant.  apprehensive.
ashamed.

his torment taught you.  to be defensive.  angry.
stubborn.

his power and control taught you.  to feel worthless.
useless.  unlovable.

these responses.  and tactics.  you've learned so well.
helped you.  survive.  you soon realize.  they don't work anymore.
you are perplexed.  confused.

shocked.

jesus is faithful.  you are his.  he never leaves you.
though you lack understanding.  you believe.

you believe.  he is who he says he is.
you believe.  he is alive.  powerful.
and active.  in your life.

he teaches you.  to be patient.
he transforms you.  to be compassionate.
he redeems you.  to live for him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

dear pensive older me

i am hesitant.  careful.  hyper-vigilant.
pensive.

he is cruel.  barbaric.  ruthless.  devious.

i feel bare.  exposed. undefended.  condemned.
sad.  scared.  humiliated.

the will to fight.  within me.  is strong.
the will.  to carry on.  is not.
the will to pretend.  fake.  feign.  lie.
is a sham.  it is exhausting.

jesus is.  the way.  the truth.
and the life.  he is light. love. savior.

everything.  i long for.  hope for.  pray for.

he penetrates my fear.  my desperation.  my sorrow.
he keeps me.  from drowning.  in my shame.

he reaches.  down.  into my reality.
shines his light.  into my darkness.
speaks his truth.  into my facade.

i will.  lay before him.  what is in me.
the good.  the bad.  and the ugly.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.

dear shy little girl me

you are reserved.  quiet.  ashamed.

shy.

he holds you down.  you brace yourself.
he humiliates you.  you internalize the shame.
he tortures you.  you fight back the tears.

you dare not speak.  to avoid another round.

you dare to speak.  his force intensifies.

you fume.  on the inside.
you are calm.  on the outside.

you are a child.  he is an adult.
you can only.  survive.  for now.

you shy away.  from trusting.
you juggle.  hope and fear.
you balance.  pain and sorrow.

jesus faced opposition.  endured the cross.  suffered betrayal.

he gets you.  knows you.  forgives you.  loves you.
he made you.  to endure.  persevere.  overcome.

because of jesus-

you survived.  you are still overcoming.

dear merciful adult me

i feel as though i am in a vivid nightmare.
nothing makes sense.

i see other kids.
they seem happy.  safe.  different.

different from me.

what must it be like?  to not be terrorized.
abused.  degraded.  abandoned.

other kids play.  laugh.  smile.
they like going home.

or so it seems.

i curled up last night.  into a ball.  on the floor.
in a corner of my bedroom.  after he gave me.
another lesson.  in abuse.

i must have stayed.  in that corner.  in the dark.
for hours.

pleading with jesus.  for mercy.

he reminded me.  again.  that vengeance belongs.  to him.
and that he will never.  leave me.

i ponder his life here.  what he encountered.  endured.
survived.  overcame.

i want to.  be merciful.  as he is merciful.

i believe.

he knows.  knows all.